Table Jumping for Beginners: 6 Easy Steps

Step 1: Scope it out.

Step 2: Test the launch pad.

Step 3: Eyes on the prize! Kick away launch pad with unbridled joy!

Step 4: Ruh roh... what happened to the launch pad?!??!

Step 5: When beloved human carries you off table, hop onto another illegal location and deploy most pathetic puppy eyes.

Step 6:  Start process all over again. 

Say Whaaa? Sorry, Can't Hear You...!

I'll be honest... sometimes, when my mom tells me to sit, sit now, sit sit sit sit and pleasebeagoodpuppy, I pretend I can't hear her. I give her a wide-eyed, "wait -- are you talking to ME?" face and then fling myself on the ground for a good puppy thrashing. This is a GREAT game and I know my mom agrees because her voice gets quite high and she starts moving her arms in some crazy ways. My mom has got some moves. 

But recently, I haven't been pretending. I'm actually not hearing as well as I could be because there is a PARTY going on inside my ear. Wax, hair, some yeast -- it's a full house in there and things are jumping. Truth be told, it's also fairly annoying and I've been dying to find a way to tell the yeast to tone it down. I'm a puppy and I like to party, but this is a little too "rave night in an illegal warehouse in Brooklyn" kinda event and enough is enough. 

Then last night... my parents tried to kill me, via ear canal. Like that movie Wrath of Pecan (YUM!). I was in the middle of my early-evening-pre-bedtime nap (dreaming about chasing glorious, scrumptious elephants) and out of nowhere my ear was flipped up and a cold shot of liquid poison was dripped in. Wham, Bam, Pow!

Blissfully dreaming about chasing elephants before the attempted murder...

I thought I was being murdered, so you can imagine my shock when I woke up enough to see MY MOM holding said poison in his hand. They say that the majority of crimes are committed by someone you know, and let me tell you, ain't that da truth! I told my mom as such and let her know that I'd only forgive her if she gave me raw steak immediately. She shook her head and went back to typing on her computer, which I'm assuming means she's ordering the steak online????? (Omahaomahaomahaomaha...) 

Funny thing is that I'm starting to feel a bit better today and my hearing is returning to its near super sonic levels which means I can hear all the sounds in the kitchen again. I can also hear mom's "commands", but no way am I letting her know that...

Off to sit by the door to keep an ear out for my steak delivery!

Party on, puppies!

- Jasper

UPDATE (Mom wrestles the computer back from puppy): Thanks to all who were concerned about Jasper's ear issues! We've found that a combination of regular ear hair plucking and the Halo Herbal Ear Wash from B-Naturals has greatly reduced the dragon's discomfort. Halo is a mix of herbal extracts with a witch hazel base that is gentle, non-greasy and smells SO much better than the ear washes we purchased from the vet. 

I Live For Danger

Despite the fact that I sleep most of the time, I'm actually a thrill-seeking, bad to the bone (hopefully a yummy raw bone marrow bone) puppy. As my mom often says, my super power is that I can find the most dangerous item in the room to chew, which is an AWESOME super power. What my parents don't seem to understand is that dangerous = delicious!

I'm fairly certain that a perfect meal would be a heaping plate of power cord spaghetti with metal bottle cap meatballs and a laundry detergent cream sauce. Alas I've never had the chance to make this gourmet goodness as my overbearing parents (who never ever let me have ANYTHING) keep foiling my plans. My mom's heart is made of stone as today I gave her my most pathetic sad eyes and instead of giving me a yummy iPad charger for my mid-morning snack, she gave me a Kong filled with treats. Pfffffffffth! I wrinkled my nose at her in disgust because hello, I am a gourmand and know the difference!

As soon as she threw her hands up in frustration (which I generally interpret as her saying how much she adores me), I happily took my Kong and waddled over to my spot by the window to start thinking about the top recipes that would go in the cookbook that I'm planning to write.

Zzzzzz..... cookbook planning is exhausting work!

Jasper's Top Recipes: 

- Dad's socks rolled in plastic bottle shards (soft and fuzzy with a satisfying crunch!)

- Nikon camera strap with a side of paper towels

- Bottle caps stuffed with carpet padding

- Wall plaster pudding and cardboard coasters

Off to nap now, because recipe planning is hard work! 

Jasper